a search for character.. seeking meaning of life.. losing naivete in the process..

Hibernation..

I have been hibernating for the past week.. loads has happened at the workplace where i temp at.. It was an accusation + disagreement + anger + politics among 3 friends in the same office.. or rather, i should say it's 2 vs 1. It's really weird. It strained the friendship among three friends, all because of a tiny little matter.. Has it been caused by the difference in rank in an office.. as in full-time vs temps or the difference in privileges being enjoyed by one party and denied to the rest?

I have been pondering over the incident. I wonder why friendships are so weak.. sometimes, they cant stand the test of a little arguement and things have gone sour. Has it been due to a little pettiness on one party or mental block?? or was it expectations out of a friend leading to anger when the expectations has not been met?

Sometimes, i wonder.. Is it wrong to have expectations out of a friend? How often do people expect their expectations to be met by their friends? What is the definition of friendships? Why would we implicitly expect something out of our friends? what has these expectation been formed on? Without explanation, the implicit expectation has lead to a cold war for almost a week in the office. It was quite awkward for me during the week.. i was caught between 2 good friends and was said to be the cause of the rift between them..

I begin to wonder.. Would i try to live up to others' expectation of me? Be it friends or family? I guess i did.. to some extent, tried to be the person that others want me to be.. but am i happy? Sometimes i am.. sometimes i'm not.. But i have never questioned others' expectations out of me.. Never have i ever voiced out that i'm not happy being the person i'm not. Are all these social norms? What has these norms been formed out of? Why am i conforming to these social norms without realising it? i have loads of questions and no answer.

But then again..as i think about it.. i realise that i have expectations out of my friends too.. i didnt know how they got there.. Is it due to past experiences that sets the yardstick? or is it the invisible rules that governs the friendship between friends?

Have been really gloomy in the past week.. have been hoping for something happy to happen to pick me out from those gloomy days.. or someone to pop by to pull me out of it.. but sometimes, things arent going the way we want them to be.. at times, people wont be there when you need them.. it's just so coincidental.. and without realising.. frustration sets in.. getting upset.. annoyed.. desperate.. but it seems.. the best person to turn to to get out of such situation is myself.. i guess no one can change my mindset as effectively as myself.. Adjusting my expectations.. and accepting the fact that things arent exactly pleasant.. Life still goes on no matter what.. and it will go on the way i choose it to be..

Have you ever been too caught up in work and neglected the people around you? Been working like mad, slogging your ass off only to realise that friends are slowly going away from your life.. I think relationships are like machines.. they need maintenance.. Once a while, machines need to be oiled to have it run smoothly.. the same goes for relationships.. catch up with friends once in a while and get involved in theirs lives.. it acts as a constant reminder.. like a subtle message to say i care..