a search for character.. seeking meaning of life.. losing naivete in the process..

Frustrations..

at times, I am very frustrated with the people around me. Sometimes, they make me think that my life is so miserable.

I met up with wei last night for a quick dinner coz I wanted to get some overnight parking coupons for my uncle who was coming over from Kl tonight.. he's gonna fetch my other uncle and aunt flying in from the states.. and stay over for the night before fetching them all back to rengam where my grandpa lives..

i waited since 5.30pm to meet wei, and he couldn't meet me till 9pm coz he was still working. when i finally met him, he has already fell asleep in his car, just minutes after he arrived. it was heart wrenching to see him that tired.. at times, i really feel demoralized.. he has classes 3 times a week.. works 5 days week for at least 12 hours a day.. has to cope with his projects and project meetings.. cope with his wide circle of ever demanding to meet friends.. study for his coming exams.. he hardly has time left for me. at times, we'll meet up just to have meals and after that, he'll be sitting there the whole day.. lost in the pile of notes and textbooks.. without someone to being there for me most of the time, i do get lonely at times.. other times, i feel frustrated when i cant seemed to get hold of him..

when friends chided that it shouldnt be the case when it comes to relationships.. and i often get very angry for hearing it.. not with myself.. not with wei.. for with these friends for saying such things.. i mean, if you are really my friend, you shouldnt be saying such things in the first place! i was just thinking about this issue on the way to work this morning that i realised that these are the people who made me love wei more.. who taught me to be more understanding towards his behaviour, actions..though it is indeed making me miserable hearing them say the nasty things.. without them, my love for wei might not be as strong as it is now.. though at times i may wonder that they shouldnt be branded as my friends, but come to think of it, they did help to improve me as an individual.. only with such trials that people get polished and grow to be more sensible..(michie, sounds familiar? hee..)

i'm must be thankful for their presence, they are there to teach me something.. to make me learn and realize what i really want, need.. who i really care for.. maybe i should learn to reward these people with a smile.. :)

i don't know if wei will get affected after reading this entry but dar, if you are reading this.. i want you to know that it's fine with me, don't worry.. work and studies are more important.. i was the one who encouraged you to go for the studies.. now that you have only have 2 more years to go, no matter how hard, you have to work through it. at the end of it all, we'll both benefit from the learning process..

in the times of loneliness, i thank friends like michie, jac, my sec sch friends (wenjing, shuyu, pei , bla bla so many of them!), who have accompanied me when i needed them.. without them.. i would have been a really miserable person today. Oops.. time to be back at work.. i was secretly blogging in the office.. hee.

all these days..

Lots have happened in the last 2 weeks. I have turned more grumpy and bitchy. Feels like i'm on a emotional roller coaster. at times, i just cant help it but to erupt like a volcano.. while other times, i'm like a clam, shut tight and shutting everyone else away.

Life have been sucky without my beloved computer. Thank god my saviour is gonna come tomorrow (all the way from united states) to fix my computer.. i heard i might get a new motherboard.. a palm.. a new lcd monitor..memory cards.. a renewed credit card.. loads of goodies from sally hansan and clinique.. i am beginning to realise how fortunate i am these days.. with people showing me with gifts.. I am so thankful for how my life has been..

I was lazing in the office and surfing the blogs of my friends.. and came across michie's blog.. i totally agree with her statement - "i disagree with those people who think that they don't need anyone around them". i'm so thankful that i have friends to encourage me during my down period.. i have friends who spend time talking to me, finding out about my job, how i'm doing.. i'm thankful for those people who came into my life at some point of time or another, be it a close friend, an acquaintance, a classmate, school mate, or just people that i used to hang out with.. you people made a difference in my life, moulded me to be what i am today..

In the last 14 days, i made a decision to take up a course. a language course. I shall keep the language as a secret for now, but for those who are close to me and understand me well.. u should be able to guess.. there's only one country that fasincates me so far.. (tho i havent been to many..) I'm gonna be really tired each monday night.. when i'll be home only at 11+.. for those who are interested in dating me out for dinner or coffee.. please, dun try to date me on a monday alright?

I met up briefly with jac and her cousin, jasmine yesterday. She wanted to borrow my moo moo card.. got a cheesecake in return. jac, if you are reading this.. i hate to say it, but the cheesecake sucks!! well, at least its some feedback for you to implement some improvement.. i took a bite and i dont think i can put myself through the torture of having another bite. all my colleagues here also mentioned that it's not nice at all.. *oops*

i was shopping alone in chinatown for some earrings materials and headed to heeren all by myself.. jac wasnt free to go with me.. and i didnt want to ask any tom, dick or harry along since it's gonna be some real focused shopping and i rather be alone than to be disturbed.

Met up with anthony.. Thank god he called me back.. called him when i was in chinatown (he stays there, so i was thinking of having dinner together), but he didnt answer.. i was in heeren when he called.. he's in orchard too.. decided to have dinner together. Gawd, so thankful that i managed to catch him before he sails to that peace making mission of his at Iraq (that is,if i remembered correctly).

hey ant, if you are reading this.. take good care of yourself.. bring me back photos of your trip. I'll write you emails when i'm free and do pop me some if you didnt hear from me for too long. tell me abt the trip as soon as you can when u get there. happy sailing.. and hope you have a safe trip!

Im so tired these days.. hardly have enough energy level.. guess it's my mind.. im so demoralised.. i always think that it's mind over body.. so since im hardly in the mood to do anything, my body must be singing the same tune.. *sigh* i got to pop home soon.. decided to blog this entry before i head home before everyone starts forgetting abt my blog!!

alrighty, heading home!

Silence all these days..

For those of you who have been checking my blog for updates.. i'm sorry to inform you all that my beloved ALMOST brand new computer has just crashed on me again!! I feel so much like a crash dummy..

facing the 5th or 6th crash this year.. im utterly upset and super not motivated to fix my computer anymore. Anyway, i cant seemed to fix it no matter how much i try.. something is wrong with that XP program at home.. some of the files cannot be copied during the set up.. and i havent had the time to blog in the office coz i working so late every other night..

There are many things that i need to do but have no time for:
1. Accompany Jac to Sim Lim to buy a new computer
2. Head to Charles & Keith to pick up my repaired heel
3. Head towards Topshop @ Suntec and collect my f3 membership card (left it there on the super suay day)
4. Watch the many episode of Singapore Idol that i missed
5. Update my blog with the entries that i wrote manually on a piece of paper during the days where my computer crashed
6. Compile the pictures of the bintan trip so that i can give the phs gang the cd (but i dunno whether i am still able to retrieve the pictures from my crashed hard disk)

That's all that i can think of now.. 80% of my brain is working on matters that are related to work.. i wonder what time i will be able to leave the office today..

Getting over it..

I just cant believe it.. i spent the ENTIRE weekend at home not even stepping out of my front door.. it's been a LONG LONG time since i did that and the only thankful thing that i was glad about was that i didnt spent a single cent.

Felt sore and down.. spent my time cleaning up the room, trying to sort out my MASS collection of clothes.. and headed for dreamland pretty early, hoping that the new week would bring more cheer into my life..

Pushing myself for 13 tiles..

Wanted to blog when i reached home yesterday but was called for a mahjong session at my cousin's place. I was really tired.. wished i could just drop dead on the bed the moment i got home.. but it's been months.. since i last played with them and i have been turning them down for numerous times.. be it an invitation from my cousin or from my uncle.. i had to turn them away due to the heavy workload.. I guess its getting really unhealthy huh..

Struggled to play and finally finish the game around 12+, and collapsed into slumber the moment i got home. Feeling super demoralised when i thought about working the next day.

As expected, i was shacked this morning, was dragging myself to work and yawned throughout the day.. Decided to head home early to rest. Took a nap and i spent the whole sat at home! It's yet another unpleasant day.. why are things just going sour for me?? *upset*

Wretched day..

This was not my original post.. it's one that i rewrote days later on a piece of paper.. here's all of what i could recap..

I just cant believe my luck! The weather was so fine in the morning. Cloudless day, blue blue sky.. cheered me up when i stood by the window in the office. Had the temptation to grab my cammie and shoot a picture of that beautiful sky!

Had Sakae for lunch in the comfort of my office pantry. I just realised just hours ago that they had delivery service! Argh, though the service sucks, the food portions were lesser and the fact that i had to order more than $50 to enjoy free delivery, it was still a pleasant change from all the boring canteen food that i have been chewing on for months..

The lunch arrived late. I rushed through it, packed my notes, organiser and stuff, tidied my desk a little and headed out for a scheduled meeting @ Lot 1 (again?!?). The moment i stepped out of the office, dark clouds formed and there's this gloomy feeling all around the area.. i quickly made my way to the bus stop.. the bus just left! *panicked* I'm running late.. waited and waited and waited.. the next bus just didnt seemed to be appearing from anywhere.. the clock's ticking away! Made a split second decision to run across the road and take the bus in the opposite direction to Marsiling mrt when the third bus in that direction came..

*clank* -pause- *clank* -pause- *clank*

Gawd, what's that sound? Half wondering what i stepped on, i lifted my heels and did a quick check just before boarding the bus.. ARGH! my new heels!! they are the newest i got! the "sole" of the kitten heels i was wearing was gone.. Left in it's place is a screw and no wonder i felt weird walking during that short distance. It was hard to maintain a balance (since one heel is now taller than the other), and it was even harder to walk without making that clanking sound..

Right after i hopped onto the bus, the rain came pouring down..visibility was really bad.. was half day dreaming and half wondering how to head for that meeting with my spoilt heels when the bus jolted, screeched and came to a halt, causing many standing passengers to fall and sleeping passengers to wake. I was jolted out of my thoughts.. Looked around and i realised that the bus nearly got into an accident..

the first thought that came to my mind.. "am i suay or what?" things doesnt seemed to be going smoothly for me.. finally reached my destination and my heels are catching a lot of attention with the noise it's causing.. *embarassed*

Got to the train platform only to see the train pulling away from the station right before my eyes.. super duper late..super duper suay.. what can i say.. what can i do.. another 8 minutes wasted waiting for the next train.. worried abt my heels.. not really nice to go into a meeting in this manner.. especially when im representing my company.. made a resolution to hunt for a new pair of heels when i reach before heading for that meeting.

I was in for another shock when i finally reached! No decent heels for me to buy, there's only 2 shops selling heels in the entire mall!! Seiyu & Bata.. Seiyu's range was all really aunty looking, if not too casual.. it really didnt fit what i was wearing!! Spotted a pretty nice pair at Bata (the ONLY pair that i deemed fit after trying racks of heels), but it's going to cost me $59.95!! Crazy right? No way i'm going to pay that much for a pair of heels.. especially one from "Buy And Throw Away".. That's not me.. I'll rather keep the money for something else..

Feeling super sore and upset, i decided to head for that cursed meeting with my spoilt heels, hoping that it wont cause too much a distraction.. Thank god that the management's office was carpeted.. and the meeting went on fine.. (i wished i was given more chance to talk during the meeting tho.. hee..)

Shopped around a little before heading town to meet michie, jon & jac to have dinner @ marche. Felt feverish on the train ride and was coughing away.. i could literally feel the germs attacking me..

Headed to Charles & Keith, hoping to buy a new pair of heels.. There arent any for me to buy.. either the designs werent nice/comfortable, or that i already own them.. *shrugs* Headed to VNC next.. Shopped there for a long long while and eventually "forced" myself to grab a pair. Tho it was ugly looking, it was the best i could find and i just cannot stand walking around feeling unbalanced anymore. Grabbed the spoilt heels and stormed back to Charles & Keith to send my heels on repair.. it's hardly a month old! It's also one of the newest design they had on display.. *sigh*

Met michie @ MNG, headed for a cuppa @ Pacific Coffee.. felt a little better and chatted a little while waiting for jon to check out some books at MPH. Hung around for 45 mins and headed to meet jac at marche..

Aircon @ suntec was killing me.. felt chilly the moment i stepped into the building and started shivering and sneezing. With the germs relaunching their attack, i was in no mood for a decent dinner. Only had warm clear soup, and shared a waffle with jac.. Stole bits of food off michie's & jac's plate..

the bad luck didnt end even after i reached home.. i spent 45 mins typing a full account of my unlucky day only to find that blogger's server is down right after i hit the "Publish Post" button.. There! all gone.. all i see is a stupid white screen and black words..

what harsh reality. happened just when i forgot to make a copy before hitting that button (when i usually do..) something is just darn wrong with my day.. shut my com IMMEDIATELY, and went to bed fuming like a hot charcoal.. *hurmph!*

A day of relaxation..

Headed off to Lot 1 Shopper's Mall when the clock struck 6pm. Finally, a group outing with my colleagues have materialized after months of trying to organise.. *Yipee*

Took a cab (awww..how wasteful, but we were rushing for time.. how good an excuse!). Reached Lot 1 15 mins later, shopped around for food. Given the time constraints and everything else.. we decided to have Long John.. Yeah, you heard it right.. Long John! As much as i hate fast food, i had no choice! Karaoke session is starting @ 7pm and it was already 6.30pm. There arent anything else to eat! Food court would be a stinko choice, and i would have headed towards Sakae Sushi without a doubt should there be more time..

Karaoke was ok.. (tho i hardly know how to sing.. haha) Jo sang so many songs.. and the one fact that i couldnt stand was that she sang almost all the songs with the analog ON!! Poh Chuan didnt really dare to sing, afterall, it's her first time singing karaoke in Singapore since she relocated here.. but she definitely did better as the time passed.. Samantha had a sore throat.. a little miserable for her tho.. and she tried her best to sing.. hee.. i had fun coz it's been a long time since i let my hair down to relax! Headed home at 12.30am.. on the train (trying to save some money).. Gawd, i hope i can wake on time for work tomorrow!!

Here are some wishes that i wanna send out..

Happy Birthday to Smally Goo (Uncle Andy)!!
May all your wishes come true, and may you find happiness soon. Stay the way you are now always and i do hope to see the more cheeky side of you. Stay cool, funny and we'll conquer the Euro Disney together one day ya?

Happy Birthday to Moses!!
It's been a long while since we first met, become classmates and friends. I'm really glad that we have stayed in contact for such an extended period of time. I wish you all the best in whatever you do, and hope you find a fantastic girl to spend your time with soon!

happenings.. on me!

it's yet another hectic and sleepy day in the office. darn! imagine that shitty feeling when you have a huge pile of work to be done, yet battling those heavy eyelids and tearing eyes. such a struggle but i made it through.. with a little help and love from my boy.

was engrossed in mentioning abt the weekend that i didnt say what i did before that. i changed my hairstyle yet again. i cannot remember how many times that i did something to my hair in the past 3 months..

i dun have a pic of my new hairstyle.. cant be bothered to take one now anyway. time for bed, but just a little update.. to put it simply - my hair is black. to put it in a slightly more complicated manner - it's deep blue, black, ash black, blue black all from different angles..

many say i look like jap now. i can visualise michie reading my blog and literally hear her brain going.. "now you REALLY look like cleopatra!!"

oh well.. nice change for me. at least it means no change for the next 5 months or so. unless i decide to snip my hair at the back too. hardly will ever want that.. but with the amount of stress that i face everyday.. nothing is impossible.