a search for character.. seeking meaning of life.. losing naivete in the process..

feeling lost..

for once in the last 15 days.. i finally had some quiet times for myself. here i am, sitting right in front of my computer, hearing the rain patter outside the windows.. i think i have lost myself.. i lost my sense of direction.. i lost my goals.. I am beginning to think who i really am.. what do i really want to become?

i ushered the new year in at a club at hyatt hotel in kuantan.. Though i tried to let my hair down and enjoy myself that night.. i was filled with doubts.. my mind was elsewhere while i was partying.. and half the time.. my brain filled with questions.. questions that i have no answer to. darn! i feel so insecure not knowing the answers..

2004 had been a sad and tough year for me, and coupled with the tsunami incident.. i cant seemed to end it with a happy note and welcome the new year in excitement. Just days before the accident happened, wei & i were discussing abt a trip to thailand.. and probably phuket during the last week of the year.. wei had a free ticket + accommodation for 2 nights and only upon realising that wei's ticket cannot be used for public holiday's eve, we aborted the plan. i'm a little glad that we didnt decide to go. its been almost 2 weeks.. and news on the tragedy keeps flashing almost everywhere i go.. death tolls going up everyday.. 1 of wei's company's GM was there together with some other colleagues.. all was fine and safe, but the GM didnt didnt survive it.. the company is now a little chaotic with the loss..

i remembered that back in 2001.. when 911 happened.. i was scheduled for a trip to New York with my aunt and was supposed to arrive on 10th of sept.. i was so excited abt the trip (coz i have never been to new york) and had the flights reservation and itinerary pinned at the wall right beside my work desk (back in the days @ Techmex). i applied for leave but was not approved by my manager.. i was crushed when i knew i couldnt go.. but when 911 happened, i was so relieved that it was a blessing in disguise for me.. i would have been trapped there.. i still remembered that my aunt decided to fly to singapore that day to have her hols here when i couldnt go to new york and was stuck at the airport for a long time.. only to be told there arent any flights flying out. I was so relieved that my aunt wasnt on the plane that crashed.. i can still remember how worried i was.. when my mum woke me and told me abt the incident in the middle of the night.

such tragedies dent my memories of the beautiful world i tried to picture in my mind.. each time i watch the news abt the tsunami.. tears will well in my eyes.. and i have avoided the news since then.. not knowing is a blessing somehow..

for many months.. i have this void in my heart.. and for many months.. i have chose to ignore it.. i buried myself in my work.. signed up for classes to occupy myself.. but the feeling's still not right. other than achieving the effect of straining my physical self and health.. it hasnt helped anyway to make my life a better one to lead. I cant forsee what will happen in the next 2 years.. i feel lost.. i cant tell whether my heart is right or my mind is right. i cant seemed to set my priorities straight anymore.. even if i do.. my body, my mind, my soul and my heart doesnt sing a synchronised song.

i started yoga classes on tuesday.. i do hope it will help me get my life back in order or at the very least.. find peace within myself.. i feel so drained.. rest is something that i need so much..

i added something to the list of description that describes me.. i was telling jac the other day that i love it when people shower me with attention.. it just brightens up my day somehow.. whoever it is out there.. it made me ponder on why i seek people's attention.. i came to only one conclusion.. a simple logic.. what i seek is what i lack.. just like the poor seeking to be rich.. the ugly seeking to be pretty..

at this very moment.. i feel like playing minesweeper.. but my usual opponents aint online. feeling a little bored.. in fact, lonely.