a search for character.. seeking meaning of life.. losing naivete in the process..

inadequate social skills?

the insomia bug bit me again last nite. i slept at near 5am. it was a torture (yet again) for me to struggle out of bed. but cos its a sat.. i dun give a darn. -bleah- mr. you-know-who wont be in the office early anyway. and so, i was proven right once again strolling into the office at 9.35am not seeing a sight of him. heh.

im beginning to think i lack a certain amount of social skills. i find it hard to communicate with strangers, especially girls. am i keeping to my own circle of frens too much that i forgot how to make new ones already? -loud sigh-

i was out with kelvin (xiao ping guo) and his group of friends last nite. a well mix of boys and girls. however, i have no idea what to say to the girls. am constantly checking my words, replaying them repeatedly in my mind before burting out whatever i wanted to say.. and i think i sensed a little stammer while talking to them.

they are so foreign, and i have no idea how to break the ice. somehow, i converse with the guys much better. not sure why. i blurt out whatever i want to say in front of them, however crude it is, and dont give a darn about what they think of me, but i just cant do it with the girls.

i think im keeping a constant check on myself when interacting with girls. and im also clamming up myself tight when i meet them (and yes, sometimes i appear to them as aloof). maybe its cos what they think matters. and the fact that most girls bitch (yes, me included) freaks me out. and the extend to which they can bitch about freaks me out further (of coz, that doesnt happen when i bitch abt others, heh.). i think that's y im feeling so uncomfortable.

since the start of secondary school days, i hardly got along with girls. i always find it more comfortable to hang out with the guys. is it the boyish me or what, that, im not sure. but this problem is beginning to bug me. other than the chosen few who knows me inside out, i think i cannot converse well with wei's female colleagues, wei's friends' girlfriends, my guy friends' girlfriends and sometimes my own colleagues. it also dawned on me that im fine on the phone, but the moment i meet someone face to face.. im at a loss of words.

issit the image freak in me playing tricks? im confused. does any of my close friends know the answer? please tell me if u do. or maybe, someone should suggest how i can get over this. i think it's a very crucial skill now that im out in the society. help!