a search for character.. seeking meaning of life.. losing naivete in the process..

life..

im not sure if i can finish this blog entry in peace. or will be interrupted by all the other things that seek my attention. but i needed to blog, and blog i will.

i was having lunch with michie at the new national library yesterday, and we were talking abt life in general, the people around us and blogs and day to day issues. and one of her friend that committed sucide.

today, i read the blog of her fren that committed sucide. truely inspiring. much thought have been put into each and every entry of hers and touched my heart even tho i do not know her at all. life is just vulnerable, isnt it?

i empathise and share her views of privacy. my mum does rummages through my stuff as well. not to the extent of an everyday event, but i still didnt like it. there are many other things that i didnt like abt my mum that i think she should change, like standing at the window peeping at me in the dark when wei sends me home. she pretends to act nonchalant when i got home, but i caught her with the corner of my eyes and it doesnt help when she dims the lights and continue peeping. an annoying act i should say. but i never quite knew how to talk to her abt it.

i do also have experiences of someone, who is not blood related to me, rummages through all my belongings, to my shopping bags right down to what's in my wallet. im not telling who the person is. people who are close enough should be able to guess. and yes, im totally PISSED abt it but what can i say? i can only be thankful that it doesnt happen much nowadays. i do also make an extra effort to keep my stuff away from her.

and i wondered, why cant we have control of everything in our lives? choosing what will happen and what wont? would that then limit what we will become as individuals then? and break our learning curves when the lazy me decide that i shall be left alone to rot at home? controlling people of their actions that will not cause any unpleasantness to us? will we then, truely be happy? im getting incoherent.. i know.. i just wanted to say that in life, many things happen for a reason.. some within our control and some aren't, and we should try to be happy for every day of ur lives and move on, no matter how things try to get you down.

i know i can't do it either, but i'll promise myself that i'll at least try to do what i just said earlier...

i have been on medical leave for the last 2 days. many have been wondering what is wrong with me. i dont really wish to share.. but i almost couldnt walk on sunday, and aborted all previous plans of movie and shopping. went to the clinic straight and was exasperated when there were at least 15 people in the queue. wei drove me around yishun looking for another and each bump and jerk of the car accentuated the pain. i had to limp around the whole chong pang looking for a clinic and was on the verge of tears. i couldnt walk, but struggled hard. all the worst possible senarios that might happened flashed in my mind, and i felt so vulnerable. just when i gave up, squatted down and breaking down to cry.. there was a 24 hr clinic opposite the road. the glimpse of hope gave me the energy to hop across the road and see the doc.

bad news from the doc, wanted to give me a jab for the pain which i refused (was thinking abt the $$ at the back of my mind) and gladly accepted the painkillers which i had to swallow. 5 pills. 3 times a day. and a referral letter another doctor.

spent the rest of the night limping around, bearing the excruciating pain. popped the pills religiously and managed to grab quite a bit of sleep. the pills kept the pain away for a day. i tried to book an appt with KK hospital, but the earliest appointment was on tues morning. i took it and i headed to the hospital alone the next day. did some tests and doctor couldnt figure out what is wrong with me until the tests results are out.. (what the hell?!?) and i am to go back again sometime next week, for more tests. :(

and despite getting my pay check on monday, the doctor's fees has already drained me financially. and i cant bear to think abt what's coming next week. wish me luck my friends, and i know its kinda selfish to ask, but pray for me too.

in the midst of typing this post, i was delivered another shock by pei. i was told one of my good friend broke off with her bf. and it's been months, yet we hadnt had a clue. and pei actually found out from a friend whom was really far away in terms of closeness. yes, the words spread.. but not to us. i hadnt believed it. in the last few months, i have seen them together time and time again. and they always came in a pair. i guess i was visually clouded by what i saw and troubled by what i heard. so much for good friends that we claimed to be.

i guess i havent been putting in much effort to the friendship and finding out about her life. i took it as everything is fine when the status quo didnt seemed different. beneath the facade that she build, lies the truth that i didnt see. i wish i had paid more time to her, spent more time having dinner with her and talked to her more on msn.

double sigh.

and it was such a coincidence earlier. i was talking to pei on her mobile. the line got cut off when she entered the lift. (she then met kelvin in the lift..) and when i called her back a min later, kelvin called me! (to tell me he met pei..) and i had to juggle 2 phone calls and imagine the burst of laughter pei & me had. so qiao!

-grinning away-

lunch was fantastic. fred and jasmine prepared spag and we had chocolate fondue as desserts. simply fantastic. took photos and will load them up tonight or tomorrow along with the pictures taken over the last few days..

and before i end this entry.. turtle, here's a tribute to you.. Happy (Belated)Birthday!! Forgive me that i cant blog yesterday..