a search for character.. seeking meaning of life.. losing naivete in the process..

The Vision of Age..

Bustled around the house like a bee today.. There was so many things to do.. keeping the house in check, making sure the clothes are washed, dishes done, breakfast ready, table cleared, and all that foul weather stuff with taking the clothes in.. My! i feel so much like an auntie!! especially when i had to go to the market early this morning to grab some meat for the BBQ that im supposed to go tomorrow!! Anyway, was just browsing some of the pictures that i took randomly some days ago.. and chanced upon the picture below..



As i stared at it.. i began to realise..it didnt really look like myself!! Not that it's not really me.. but it wasnt exactly what i used to be.. Even though i do look in the mirror everyday while brushing my teeth.. flossing my teeth.. combing my hair.. never did i really spend much time taking notice of myself.. how my face changes.. and how my look changes.. and i guess.. i look REALLY DIFFERENT from what i was like just 2 years ago.. Suddenly it felt so eerie.. *eeks*

Many a times, we use our eyes to observe the people around us.. things that are of novelty, people that we see on the train, strangers that we didnt even know.. observe the way they talk.. observe the way they speak.. observe the things they wear.. observe the kind of phones that they carry.. We too, use our eyes to read to increase our knowledge, watch the news to keep ourselves updated, watch TV shows to keep ourselves entertained..

But, how much time have we use our eyes to observe ourselves? or even the people that are close to our hearts? Have you ever wondered how old your mum has aged over the years? How many wrinkles she seemed to be wearing nowadays? That's something that i never thought i will ponder upon till moments ago..

While this globe is turning, our skin is aging.. our age piling.. is our knowledge increasing? are our self worth increasing? Are we really taking note of what we are becoming, who we are growing into and how we have evolved? How we have come the way we came? In the present hectic lifestyle of ours, do we really care abt issues like this or is it really a bread and butter struggle?

For now, i can afford to sit back, relax and ponder on such stuff.. but will i have the energy to do so once i start working? i do hope i can...

Went for an interview today.. the ad says JL organization and it turned out to be PRUDENTIAL.. was supposed to be the post of a management trainee.. but i was told to start off as a financial planner for 2 years and then bla bla bla.. the interviewer droned on for an hour and 15 mins on how great it is.. how satisfying the financial returns will be, how the career path would be mapped and stuff like that and he totally lost my attention after 45 mins.. i have already diverted it to the scenery that he has out of his office windows and the rest of the artefacts he had in his room and including the photos of his sons..

In SHORT, he's asking me to sell insurance, bonds and get people to make investments.. something that i totally hate!! I hate financial stuff.. has always been bad in figures and i dont think i can start convincing people when i cant get my simple mathematics straight.. in the midst of discussion.. he mentioned abt CPF.. it suddenly lead me to thinking about the problems of the late child birth and late marriage that the media has been discussing alot about some weeks back..

here's my point of view... with HDB flats getting more expensive, and living standard and cost of living increasing over the years.. people arent earning enough to be able to afford a house, a simple decent car and live comfortably.. I have friends who got married early.. without planning about the BIG financial problems that they'll run into.. and now, each day worrying abt bills to pay, loans to pay.. and sometimes, whether they have sufficient money to eat at times.. and to me, to live comfortably or rather be financial secure is something really important.. I wouldnt even consider marriage unless i have enough money to pay for all the costs, the honeymoon and stuff like that and on top of that, a sum of money as savings after all that expenses in case of a rainy day..Would you consider jumping into that marriage wagon when you don't even have some savings?

Getting married is one problem.. having a baby is another.. a baby is also another BIG financial drain.. even before the baby is born.. you'll have to think about money for the mother to see the gynae, regular checkups, hospital fees, new furniture for the baby, new toys, new clothes... It's all about the vitamin M!! Then its about saving for the child's education, the child's allowance, expenses, maid/nanny to look after baby, and all the way till the child is independent enough to earn his own keep. I guess its really stressful having a kid here in Singapore and many people are pushing it back till they are financially secure.. for me, i would have done the same thing if i'm married..

Is being technogically advanced better for the quality of life in reality? Is being one of the fastest developing countries in the world a good thing for us? I guess most of us are reaping the side effects of these..I wouldnt think many people would rather not have kids.. to me, its a phrase of life and i'll be willing to go through it.. but the question is - can we AFFORD it? back in the olden days.. the older generations never seemed to have much of these problems and kids bearing was a more common sight..

I do hope that the situation will soon improve.. and that starting a new phrase of life wont just be a monetary issue.. and extending the family members wont be linked to that issue too.. I'm keeping my fingers crossed and hope the situation will improve years down the road.. especially when i'm ready to start a family of my own..

Lazy Afternoon..

Spent the day cleaning up the house, cleaning my room.. browsing the net and the newspapers for more jobs.. the humid weather is killing me.. Hiding in the comfort of my cool room most of the time..

Recently, many sad things has happened in my life.. On Sunday, i came home to find my favourite fatty hamster dead. So sad! It left without a warning of any kind and i dont think it has shown any symptoms of any illness or stuff like that.. It was still climbing the cage enthusiastically and snatching for food on saturday when i was feeding it before i left the house!!

It's now gone.. was heart wrenching taking it's "spouse" out of the cage, clearing the cage with the hamster corpse.. It looked peaceful in it's sleeping position though.. i kinda wondered if it died of old age.. but it's only slightly more than a year old!

On monday, i got a call from my mum.. She's in Rengam (a small town in the state of Johor) looking after my grandpa.. He's all alone in the house coz my grandma went KL to do a full body checkup. Her health has been deteriorating and her kidneys are almost failing.. and the sad thing is.. she refused to watch what she eats.. but then again.. the old couple are left fending for themselves in the small town of rengam.. For many years.. my uncles and aunties have asked them to move from where they are to somewhere more accessible.. so that someone can look after them.. bought them houses to stay in only to find out that they sold it away.. and simply refused to move.. *sigh*

Anyway, the main point is that my grandma fell down in my aunty's house in KL.. and was admitted into the hospital.. She fell down the stairs and it was so bad that the ambulance had to come to bring her away.. and this morning, i heard from my aunt from the states that my grandma is undergoing an operation today.. to have a steel bar inserted into her hip.. and they are keeping this from my grandpa.. He's been worrying himself sick since the day my grandma left for KL, and no one thinks its good for him to know since his health isnt anywhere good nowadays and he is MUCH older than my grandma..

Life is so vulnerable.. and sometimes life end so abruptly that we dont even have the time to bade goodbye.. I do hope that my grandparents will be healthy and alive in the next few years to come.. Thinking back to those days where i used to stay in Rengam as a kid during the school holidays.. Grandpa taught me so many things.. from abacus to chinese chess, flying kites, making my own kites.. lighting up my first firecrackers.. making my own chess set.. writing chinese calligraphy.. Life back then was so simple.. so filled with joy.. filled with discoveries of the antiques and the things that my uncles/aunties grew up in.. and the ancient games that they played... Some of these things still exist in that house till today..

Grandma will bring me to the market with her every morning.. really wet and smelly market.. much worst than what we have here in singapore in the 80s.. but its an adventure that not many can experience.. and believe me.. the market there today still looks and smell pretty much the same and chickens are still killed on the spot.. and blood squirting all over on the sand gound and the faint hearted are better kept away.. In the afternoon, she will bring me to her plantations and work in there.. harvesting all kinds of fruits she has there and picking durians and eating them on the spot.. and then its selling them in the shophouse.. and in the pasar malams that they have every weekend in that small town..

These are memories that'll stay with me forever.. and i've just realised that i dont really have many photos of that place.. I think i should take some photos for keepsake when im there this june..My uncle once told me.. Many a times, we take places we go for granted and only to realise many years later that we do not have anything to show the places that we went before.. or places that we spent a great deal of our lives in.. i think i will take a step back and start taking photos of that place in June. Heard from aunt that this time, they are forcing them to move.. in view of their health and everything..

Till then, i hope the both of them will be still good health and healing well from the fall..

More interviews..

Got a call from the recruitment agency yesterday and realised that the company that they were supposed to match me with is NKF.. The recently most heard about event is their charity show.. Kinda felt turned off when i found out the company.. Was supposed to attend another interview and meet the HR person in NKF tomorrow.. Am dreading it.. but i told myself that i should take it as an experience to "look-see look-see" and check the company out..

Anyway, here are some of the things i found out.. NKF is actually giving 2-3months bonuses.. I thought that was a LOT for a non-profit organisation and it kinda made me felt more negative towards the organization..and i was supposed to sign a 3 years bond with the company if i were to take up the job.. According to the person that interviewed me at the recruitment agency.. she seemed to give me the kind of feeling that it aint a nice place to work in.. coz she was asking whether i could stand really nasty colleagues and how i would handle them.. and there is also a 2 months compensation if i were to break the bond.. and on top of that.. one month's notice.. Eh.. the salary aint really fantastic either.. since i'm required to travel around to meet up with clients and transportation has already been counted in the package..

Another thing that puts me off is the location of the company.. Wow.. it's really far from where i stay.. and i have no idea how to get there till now even though the interview is like 8 hours away.. Guess i got to waste some money to take a cab to and from the place..

As for the interview that i went with jac today.. Hmm.. nice working enivronment, small office.. i would say it's quite cosy.. location not that bad, but they are giving away diploma level pay.. Not really worth any consideration to me at the moment... but i'll just keep my options open for the moment..

Went shopping with jac after the interview and i havent shopped much since i got back from the states.. Wow.. i bought so MUCH stuff.. kinda went crazy at everything i saw...

Am really tired.. but have loads of things on my to-do list.. i wonder when i'll have the time to get some of those things done.. Got to work for the next 2 days @ AP Comm again.. and i think i'm gonna stop working for them and get my life in order and accomplish the stuff that i have always been wanting to do..

Interview..

Went for an interview early this morning.. Not really into the job, but just wanted to hone my skills as being interviewed and get a feel of the kind of questions that i'll be asked. As usual.. i'm quite nervous and i was so thirsty (didnt drink water since i woke) that my voice is like croaking.. almost felt like im a toad.. *croak* Anyway, it was at a recruitment agency and i was being grilled for answers that i don't have.. Caught me so unexpectedly.. such as whether i'm a kids person.. Hmm.. not really sure.. Doesnt seemed to tally with the job description of the job ad that i applied for.... *weird*

Anyway, the day was continued with collation at AP Comm again.. was tying ribbons for some Microsoft books and wasn't really a pleasant day.. Tired and bored..

Something coincidental happened to Jac and me.. In the span of half an hour while we were working together.. we found out that we applied for the same job.. to an ad placed on the straits times weeks ago.. and we had our interviews scheduled right after each other.. so funny.. guess there aren't many jobs in the market out there weeks ago.. or rather.. to my specialization..

Scanned the papers today for more job ads.. and realised that last saturday's papers were full of jobs that i was interested in.. but i'm really too tired today to send out any resumes.. Have to wake at 6am tomorrow for another event and Grand Hyatt..

Kinda quite sick of working part time now.. It makes me feel so strained.. i dont seemed to have anytime to do my personal stuff.. I wonder if this is the kind of life that i'll be leading in maybe.. a month's time? Kinda dread it..

I hope tomorrow will be a better day! I'm going shopping in town with jac after work.. Hoping to come home early to have some resumes sent out..

Personality Test...

Came out from hibernation and came across this ultimate personality test. Decided to take it and realise it's pretty true.. Here's the results!

The Ultimate Personality Test

Cherie, you're a Secret Agent!

Your personality is actually determined by two personality sub-types - your primary, or dominant sub-type, and your secondary sub-type. You are a Secret Agent which means you are a Thinker / Seeker Your primary sub-type is defined by "Thinker" characteristics and your secondary sub-type is defined by "Seeker" characteristics.

That means you're basically a smart, shrewd loner. Chances are although you prefer solitude, you're a deeply caring person full of energy and ideas. On a personal level, you're sensitive. You may worry too much about how you compare to others, and your mood suffers under such intense personal scrutiny.

Daze..

Had my lunch today alone in a familar hawker today.. and it's the first time im there eating alone.. Fell into a daze in the midst of eating.. and i basically slowly chewed my food through..Feeling quite stoned.. and lost.. somehow.. i didnt know where i want to head to.. what i want to do later in the day..

Sat there slowly drinking my drink.. staring at the people at the hawker.. the cleaning aunty came over to clear up my table.. and i mentioned thanks.. and it suddenly dawned on me that at times.. we take the people around us for granted.. and yet, we can be so polite to a complete stranger.. Why will we take people for granted? and what happens when we become the ones that people take for granted? Should we make some noise to ensure that we are no longer taken for granted or should we just keep the silence to maintain the status quo?

I'm feeling really down today.. The only thing that i want to do is to hibernate in my air-con room.. away from my troubles and away from people.. I do not feel like talking to anyone today.. a lot of thinking is what i need to do now..

Quiz Time..

Have been receiving quizzes from friends recently and i have jumped into the trend and create a quiz for my friends!

Think you know everything about me? Take the "How Well Do You Know Me?" quiz I created on Tickle and see how you score.

Here's my first question:

1. Which is my favourite type of flowers
* Sunflowers
* Roses
* Tulips
* Daisy

Just click (or copy and paste) this link and you'll be taken to my quiz.
http://connect.tickle.com/test.html?id=F2vvM_XhqpmskS3r&

Warm weather..

Spent my whole day in Sentosa today.. Not basking in the sun tho.. was working at an event.. it's a Microsoft Meeting.. The weather was so warm and i felt super uncomfortable in the clothes i wore.. They are practically sticking to my skin and every moment, i wish i was dipped in the swimming pool..

Looks like we are headed to the "summer days" of singapore and yes.. it's actually something that i''ll be happy about.. can go bake in the sun without worrying about the rain pouring down on me any moment.. and get myself a nice tan in the sun..

Anyway, i have realised that the services of Rasa Sentosa aint really fantastic.. or rather.. they have pissed me the whole day and i really wonder why people are paying so much for their services.. No smiles on the staff.. Not friendly at all.. All blur and confused and its really hard trying to get things done with their help.

Realised Michie haven't been blogging frequently and havent seen her on the net for some time.. i wonder if she's been real busy meeting up her clients on her new job. So happy for her that she can be kept busy.. and happy working..

Got real motivated today after a short nap and i sent out so many so many job applications that im actually quite proud of myself.. Hee..But Im gonna miss the china trip that my family is going if i get a job soon.. kinda feel like waiting and get a chance to go china.. wanted so badly to go there to source for materials for my jewellery making.. and inspirations..

Oh.. i'm looking forward to tomorrow.. Though it's gonna be another boring day at work as a temp.. but i'll be meeting my PRIMARY school friends!! Havent really seen many of them in the past years and keep in close contact.. heard that some got married.. got pregnant.. had kids.. WOW! i feel so old man.. gonna go dig up their life stories and see how they have been.. =)

Hibernation..

I have been hibernating for the past week.. loads has happened at the workplace where i temp at.. It was an accusation + disagreement + anger + politics among 3 friends in the same office.. or rather, i should say it's 2 vs 1. It's really weird. It strained the friendship among three friends, all because of a tiny little matter.. Has it been caused by the difference in rank in an office.. as in full-time vs temps or the difference in privileges being enjoyed by one party and denied to the rest?

I have been pondering over the incident. I wonder why friendships are so weak.. sometimes, they cant stand the test of a little arguement and things have gone sour. Has it been due to a little pettiness on one party or mental block?? or was it expectations out of a friend leading to anger when the expectations has not been met?

Sometimes, i wonder.. Is it wrong to have expectations out of a friend? How often do people expect their expectations to be met by their friends? What is the definition of friendships? Why would we implicitly expect something out of our friends? what has these expectation been formed on? Without explanation, the implicit expectation has lead to a cold war for almost a week in the office. It was quite awkward for me during the week.. i was caught between 2 good friends and was said to be the cause of the rift between them..

I begin to wonder.. Would i try to live up to others' expectation of me? Be it friends or family? I guess i did.. to some extent, tried to be the person that others want me to be.. but am i happy? Sometimes i am.. sometimes i'm not.. But i have never questioned others' expectations out of me.. Never have i ever voiced out that i'm not happy being the person i'm not. Are all these social norms? What has these norms been formed out of? Why am i conforming to these social norms without realising it? i have loads of questions and no answer.

But then again..as i think about it.. i realise that i have expectations out of my friends too.. i didnt know how they got there.. Is it due to past experiences that sets the yardstick? or is it the invisible rules that governs the friendship between friends?

Have been really gloomy in the past week.. have been hoping for something happy to happen to pick me out from those gloomy days.. or someone to pop by to pull me out of it.. but sometimes, things arent going the way we want them to be.. at times, people wont be there when you need them.. it's just so coincidental.. and without realising.. frustration sets in.. getting upset.. annoyed.. desperate.. but it seems.. the best person to turn to to get out of such situation is myself.. i guess no one can change my mindset as effectively as myself.. Adjusting my expectations.. and accepting the fact that things arent exactly pleasant.. Life still goes on no matter what.. and it will go on the way i choose it to be..

Have you ever been too caught up in work and neglected the people around you? Been working like mad, slogging your ass off only to realise that friends are slowly going away from your life.. I think relationships are like machines.. they need maintenance.. Once a while, machines need to be oiled to have it run smoothly.. the same goes for relationships.. catch up with friends once in a while and get involved in theirs lives.. it acts as a constant reminder.. like a subtle message to say i care..

Tick Tock..Tick Tock..

Every day in the silence of the night.. i'll sit at my usual computer table at a corner of the living room.. Most would have slept at this hour while im still here.. smashing my fingernails on the black creative keyboard of mine..

The clocks in the house go tick tock.. tick tock.. sounds so loud to me now but they are hardly audible in the bustle of the day activities in the house.. It's weird. I'll never hear them in the day.. but they always prevent me from sleeping coz i always thought that they were noisy.. they also happen to be my No. 1 hate object when i used to be a student.. Every tick and tock makes me panic and stressed up as the time ticks nearer to the examinations and project deadlines and being the lazy student i am.. i'll never start till it's too late.. And believe it anot.. i actually find the ticking clocks and watches a nuisance coz i'm the type of person that can study only in absolute silence..

How many in the world out there knows how to appreciate silence? Being the crazy girl, the happy go lucky girl, the active girl, sporty, bubbly, lively, and hyper girl that everyone seems to describe me in friendster, i happen to be one that prefers to be surrounded by silence rather than being caught in the bustle of everyday life. The silence calms my heart.. free me from all the frustrations of the life and let me be caught in a world of my own..

How many hours can one spend in silence a day? Not many.. People wake to go work.. exposed to all sorts of noise at work..exposed to all the tv noises at home.. then to bed.. It's sad, but it seems that it's going to be the life that i'm going to lead soon too.. Spent the last few weeks doing temp jobs and it's been draining myself away.. It's tiring and there's hardly nothing that i seemed to enjoy.. Each day, i come back home only to find myself so tired that the bed is my next best friend..

Isnt it sad to know that time is slowly passing us by each day.. without us consciously realising it? Growing old before we know it? Moving on to the different phrases of lives before we are even prepared for it? Losing contact with friends without even realising the loss?

It's weird.. the meaning of life.. different people seek different meanings in their lives.. different goals.. different aspirations.. Some get there.. some don't.. For me, I just want to feel contented each day.. feel as ease with myself.. and have friends with me till the day i leave this world..

Pretty Pretty.. *grinz*

Finally finished my resume after a week of looking at it. Did bit by bit each day.. and im glad that i finally finished it today! Going to send the resume out starting.. TOMORROW!

Anyway, i went to visit my handsome orthondontist last friday to have the last of my braces removed. I now have pretty teeth.. Hee.. Kinda happy not because my teeth are straight and nice, but i no longer have problem eating without having food stuck on my braces!! Such a nice clean feeling.. and of cos, it cost a bomb and it has effectively drained all my resources that i have in my bank and i am now the poorest that i have been in the last 3 years.

Spent the weekend staying at home most of the time.. enjoying the simplicity of life.. Sometimes, it's just comforting to know that there is someone out there for me, extending help whenever i need it.


Watched this movie on saturday night.. It's quite exciting, but people who cannot take gross images of dead human bodies, i suggest you don't watch it... especially now that it's the tomb sweeping season..

Quiz time..

Feeling a little bored and i came across another quiz that Ailing posted on my friendster bullentin..


Which band instrument are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Going to fix up my resume and start sending them out..

Who do you know me as??

I came across two blogs within the span of 5 mins and saw this.. and i think this is quite interesting.. Like michie said.. it triggers the memories of the past and some lost friends that i havent been in contact with..

if you know me as zhihui, you could be someone from yps or someone who doesnt know how to spell my name.
if you know me as zihui, you should be my close friends in yps/phs/sim or just friends from tp.
if you know me as cherie, you are from either techmex, ap com or sim.
if you know me as cherieladie, you are probably a buyer or seller from auction auctions.
if you know me as cherry, you are jacklyn, suleen or people who likes to make fun of my name.
if you know me as cheryl, you can only be jolene.
if you know me as ah hui, you must be someone from my family, be it paternal or maternal.
if you know me as hui ah, you must be gor gor or ma ma.
if you know me as cheh cheh, you are probably shanie.
if you know me as d*** d***/g** g**/l***/d**, you can only be wei.
if you know me as strawberry, you must be michie, qunyu, jiahui and yihui.
if you know me as siaocharbor, you are anthony and someone from the tp orientations.
if you know me as 9th sister, you are 1 of the 10 sisters (Ivy, Nancy, Sharon, Junyu, Elaine, Margaret, Shuyu, Pei or Wenjing)
if you know me as a AGL or GL, you were probably one of my freshies from tp.
if you know me as monkey, you are turtle.
if you know me as someone from the athletics, you are probably from phs/yps or my competitors on the track.
if you know me as oracle, you are probably from marcom.
if you know me as sherie/sherry, please learn to spell my name.
if you know me as someone who is stern and unfriendly and rude, i probably don't like you.
if you know me as hair model, you proabably someone from Lo'real/Wella or one of the stylist/hairdresser out there.
if you know me as girl, you are someone from wei's family.
if you know me as the melody fanatic, you must be my close friends in sim.
if you know me as the levis fan, you can only be qunyu, michie, jac, yh and jh.
if you know me as BEST FRIEND, you can only be belle.
if you know me as garang parang, you must be d a r r e n l o w.

Not sure if i missed out anymore nicks of mine.. cant think at the moment.. well.. if i do happen to miss any out.. let me know through the tag board.

Job Hunt..

Been browsing the papers recently for a job and there hasn't been any suitable ones that i saw.. and i realised that the recruit section seemed to get lesser as the days goes by.. Doesnt look like a good sign to me.. Hmmm.. Beginning to get a little worried since most people seemed to have a job already and the best motivational factor is the depleting amount in my bank account.. That's so upsetting.. Since the trip back from the states.. my funds are almost used up..

I'm gonna meet michie, huisi and yee tat for dinner tomorrow.. Havent decided where we are going to dine at.. but i guess it's gonna be another hole in my pocket.. I spent the whole afternoon sleeping away.. was so tired after waking up really early this morning for the hair show.. Realised at the show that the other models' hair were quite bad... One was cut short and the other had her whole head bleached.. the hair is really dry and it looks really quite bad.. I'm beginning to get real consoled that my hair still looks okie and some salon owners and stylists actually commented that they like my color.. It suddenly dawned on me that i actually didnt realise that i'm quite fortunate that at least my hair is looking normal until i compared myself with the other model today.. I do hope the color doesnt fade early too fast.. Need a normal looking hair for the interviews.. been slapping on hair treatment and spending more time in the bathroom for the past week...

Was discussing with wei about the professionalism of the salon and we both agreed that they do not have any. For the hair show today, firstly, i wasnt told what color i will be modelling.. and even umpteen times of asking last week, i was NOT given an answer. One staff at the salon actually burnt my hair when blowing it dry and i was wondering why suddenly there's this "chao da" smell.. My hair has handled quite roughly and i was not given any apology even after i shouted a loud "ouch" with my hair tugged at.. I was told to ask the Lo'real technician the time of the hair show cos the stylist/technician at the salon couldnt give me an answer.. I wasn't told what to dress or anything like that until i went to check out with the Lo'real technician only to find out that there's a strictly all black dress code. There were no smiles on the faces of most of the staff at the salon.. If im a paying customer, i'm not going back there again.. and come to think about it.. Even as a model, i doubt i'll step into the salon again for another coloring/perming session. I have just discovered a "square" patch of blonde hair that was left out uncolored and it's showing when i tie up my hair.. I got to think of a way to get rid of it.. so unsightly..