a search for character.. seeking meaning of life.. losing naivete in the process..

seeking balance..

i need to balance some equations. between happiness and unhappiness. between friends and work. between my different priorities. between the life i want and the career i desire.

i need some adjustments to my mentality.

im losing my voice. health is suffering. brain is overworked. i need sleep. i need fun and relaxation. but, fret not.. im a fighter and i'll put in my best shot.

for now.. i hope i have understanding friends to see me through that. i feel so guilty that i havent had time to catch up with most. im not even revising my japanese and that's bad. the test date is approaching once again.

it's the weekend! i shouldnt be thinking that much. 2 more hours and i'll switch to snooze mode. as usual, i doubt i'll pen till monday or tuesday night. have a great weekend!

lost sight..

i'm losing sight of myself. im losing sight of my friends. im constantly tired. i have no idea where im heading.

it's been a long time since i last blog surfed. and i realised that there are so many new entries in a lot of my friends' blog. i cant seemed to catch up with what's going on with their lives anymore.. although i think it secretly has to do with the sudden spurt of friends announcing their friendster blogs and resulting in a much longer list of blogs to read abt.

i wish i had the time to read about all their adventures and what's happening in their lives, but im barely awake or filled with the energy to read. you prob can judge it from the frequency/length of my blog entries nowadays..

my sense of direction has gone disarray in the last couple of weeks. im hoping for a quiet day for myself, sitting down reading a book or enjoying scenery of some sort, and finding peace.

im breaking apart. i dont know why. so many things to do, so little time.. not much motivation to pull me through either, which is bad.

more goodbyes today. i wonder when this is going to end.

anyway, it seems that i'll be moving around the island pretty much starting from tomorrow. i hope i can learn to deal with it. it's time for bed. it's another wake at 7am day tomorrow.

short note..

dar has been such a sweetie today. shant elaborate. it's our little secret.

it's been like a whirlwind in the day. the wind came and was gone. gone with it were also many things. some things are broken, some survive and some others gone without a word. it's life.

sometimes, farewells are inevitable. one just have to learn how to cope with it and adapt to the new environment. i shall smile and face tomorrow bravely.

spinning..

my low blood pressure seemed to be acting up again. for the whole day.. my world keeps spinning and i felt faint. i must have been too tired last night and slept too much.

i'm feel rather unhappy today. sometimes, i ponder on something and i start to wonder if my decision in the first place was right. and the more i think, the more unsure i get. and the events of things that happened made me doubt further.

why is life so complicated? why can things stay the same like when i was a kid?

got a sms from toto today. kinda heartwarming to have him reply my sms. for those who wants to know, he has just reached darwin after 5 days of sailing from surabaya. hope he'll be back soon. i miss those seafood gorging sessions with him at newton.

met raphael for dinner on friday. walked around a bit, talk cork, had drinks, popped by club momo for a short while, hang out at this karaoke pub nearby to play pool and i headed down to partyworld chinatown to meet dar, and mainly to drive him home.

saturday was an adventure cos i was driving around in woodlands for such a long time. had lunch with joycelyn, jean and jasmine. headed home to change and grab some stuff and headed to meet joshua & edwin to play snooker at safra toa payoh. had dinner with dar and his sister at jumbo seafood and its drinks at altivo at the top of mount faber. supper at lavender slurping up hot steaming "zhu zhar tang".. u can start imagining how beat i was, especially since i had to wake super early for work and a late night the previous day. i was barely able to keep my eyes open!

i just came back from dinner at kulai. how adventurous. 2 bmws meeting at raffles marina at 6pm and off we were to dinner. 2 hours later, we are on our way back. travel all the way just to have dinner. how nice, especially since dar & me are the passengers.

im already dreading about the fact it's a start of a new week tomorrow. oh how i hate work. :)

got to pack my room a bit. getting a little too messy for comfort. after that, im turning in. night people!

:)

another work day gone by. despite some unhappiness on my side.. all is fine and well. hope the next few days goes by faster.

thanks for the suggestions for my blog.. i made some adjustments while i was 'taking a break' at work.. will fine tune it further.. in the meanwhile, i hope everyone have a great weekend!

annoying..

my blog is so screwed. i cant get the blue boxes to disappear at the places where i link my graphics. it's so unsightly and i'm so upset over it. can anyone help me or advice on how i can rid them? or at least, change it to black or grey or white? Grr.

anyone can comment or suggest ideas to improve the look of my blog.. or teach me new stuff or codes to make it look nicer. it's been a year since i last tweaked the codes and i cant remember anything anymore. and after days of fumbling with it.. i still think something is wrong somewhere.

think i need to start practising yoga at work very soon. at the rate im feeling.. i think my blood vessels will burst. each day is like a torture to me. a jail term. i dont even dare to leave my seat for too long. i cant really survive anymore arrows coming my way.

may the minutes hand of the clock move faster so that i can head home safely and seek shelter in my cosy room.

crushed..

it's been a terrible day for me. my pride has been crushed. i was mocked at in front of many. even tho my conscious is clear and i didnt do anything that i shouldn't, i dont feel the same anymore.

the cheerfulness of the day has been sucked away. she was mean, very mean. but i believe in karma. now, i'm like a dumping ground. anyone can come to me and dump their workload on me. they, have been given permission to do so. the world aint fair anyway, and who can i blame?

someday, somewhere, i'm sure i'll have my last laugh. just don't step on me. i'm like a mine, waiting to blast the shit out of you the moment i get the chance.

for now, i'll just take it as a lesson to grill me stronger, and make me a tougher person than what i am today.

new blog skin..

i've changed my blog look. and it took me a few days. and still, it sucks. it still needs some fine tuning here and there.. but for now, it would suffice. my sleep is much more important.

in the days ahead, i'll be a lot more busier. i wish my friends will give me some strength to help me go through what i will be facing. i need to build my confidence up very fast. the work load is piling and it will be a challenging path ahead.

tho i very much want to suceed, i do not want to pressure myself too much. things will still move smoothly i guess.. i have the will, so i'll have my way.

wish me luck.

pictures!!

i didnt feel like doing anything while im home. just wanna laze around and rest my tired body.

spent hours collating the pictures last night and i realised.. there's quite a bit of photos! there are some more coming, taken with other cameras that i havent gotten a copy from the owners of the cammies.. those are the nicer ones tho. anyway, here's the pictures and the tale they tell of my weekend adventure.

click on the pic to see the collages!

back.

back from the trip and feeling slightly disoriented. i wish i didnt have to come back.

the place was clean, peaceful and i feel so totally at ease. there wasnt a single thing that i didnt like about the place, and for once, i dont feel that i needed a computer to spend my time. sleep was minimal. most of the time was spent standing by the balcony, holding onto my rod and hands stinking of smelly squids.

it was relaxation to the max. for those who are wondering where i went.. it's a kelong off the coast of Penyabong (mersing). Kelong Acheh.

i definitely want to head back there soon. despite the long journey, its so nice. everyone on the trip enjoyed themselves. 18 of us on the trip and everyone loved the place.

i got to run off for my japanese class again. will blog more when im back home tonight, if i'm not too tired. not many photos coz there wasnt any avid photographers to help me take photographs. i didnt have chance to take many too, coz my hands are constantly sticky and slimy from fishing. but still, i have photos to offer, so come back here tonight! ;)

irritable..

recently, i have been very irritable. especially with certain people. im sterotyping, but i cant help it. the things they do really pisses the hell outta me.

i know i've said this a lot recently, but im really very tired. i cant get enough sleep. i have no idea what i have been doing when im home. last night was a long night. i spent at least 5 hours fumbling with my new toy that arrived from the states in the wee hours of the morning. yes, my brother is back from his 2 weeks trip.

and i have got new toys to play with. yeah! a epson cd printer and my ipod photo. but, i havent have much time to do anything with them, coz im leaving tonite.

last nite was traumatic for me. my bro didnt help me pack the fishing rods and stuff before he went to bed. and i wasnt able to wake him. literally turned the whole house upside down, acted like a thief, took the spare key and torch.. searched his room in the dark. mum joined in and i tell you.. it's a comical sight, but i wasnt in the mood to laugh.

after hours of me shouting, complaining, venting my frustrations and agony.. i got the whole house up looking for the fishing equipment. at 3+ in the morning, i found it myself. in a shoe rack. mum must have kept it there during one of her clean-the-house sessions and left it there, and FORGOT abt it totally. gor and her were pushing the blame on each other abt the location of the stuff, and there i was dreaded with thoughts of not being able to go to the kelong trip with the fishing equipment.

by the time im packed, loaded my ipod with songs, charged all my spare camera batteries and packing my memory sticks, i can only grab 3 hrs of sleep. and here i am, resisting the nodding to dreamland. had to force myself to drink hot milo without sugar..

im not really excited abt the trip tonight anymore. the excitement is drowned by the tiredness. my shoulders aching so much. must learn how to relax my shoulders. they are tensed up all the time.. subconsciously i tense them up. dunno why. especially when im seated in front of the computer.

lunch affairs have been a big headache recently. havent ate mum's cooked food ever since i went for spain trip. have to crack my head on what to eat now. and the disputes over the lunch time is pecking at the back of my head. -sigh-

i feel like eating the hainanese chickie rice at yishun central!

unsightly blog..

i havent been noticing. shit. the cute little pics on my blog are all gone. and when i tried to log in to my account to find them back. i realised my account is gone. Hmmm. no idea why.

anyway, maybe its time to change the look of my blog. shall work on it when i have the time.. so, bear with the little crosses that appear for now.

looking forward to the weekend! going on a fishing trip at a kelong! but dun ask me where. somewhere in malaysia, but i dunno the details. all i was told was to pack my bag. heh.

but one thing for sure.. there'll be loads of photos next week! ;)

am i? am i?

my tummy was having the runs last nite when i got home from work. was tired from the long day i had on monday. was determined to rest at home and sleep early. at 9.10pm, i got a call from raphael. i was asked to join them balaclava. "who is there?" was my first reaction. i didnt mean to sterotype, but i was telling myself that unless there is a need to, i rather stay at the comfort of my home and rest my tired body.

and so it turns out, they were all there coz toto (desmond) is going for sailing for the next one and a half months today. gosh. i agreed almost immediately and got out of the house in 15mins.

it was fun catching up with the guys. people like victor, i havent seen him in the last 8 months.. and his gf (my tp junior), kareen. i also found out that dan's gf is from my primary school. her brother is my brother's good friend, and she recognised me coz she said i looked the same since im a kid! gawd.. i dun even know her!

and when i thought i was friend enough to make that trip to suntec to join them, and tried to drink a little despite the running tummy so as not to dampen the mood.. and reaching home way after midnight.. i found myself getting irritating with one friend who seemed to be demanding my attention.

am i such a fair weather friend? the thought of it irks me. but i couldnt help it when one friend of mine kept complaining and complaining abt something to me.. and she's been saying the same thing for the past 2 months.. i dunno what to say to her anymore. i've said all i can, and there she is.. like a recording machine. telling me the same things each time she "sees" me. i just wanna escape. i was frustrated. i didnt even feel like replying. and i feel my brow all wrinkled up and my temper beginning to boil.

i feel so tired. i kinda hate it when im asked to "nurse" someone.. especially over a period of time. i mean, i have given my advice time and time again and it doesnt make any sense to me when u still keep harping me for some solution that i don't have and cant do anything abt..

and it just triggered my threshold today. and i think im gonna avoid her for a while. i cant take it anymore. im so sorry. i admit. this time, im a fair weathered friend.

Monday Blues..

it's the dreaded monday again. my shoulders are aching so much. i think i have very tense shoulders. can someone teach me how to relax it?

the past weekend has been really packed. i hardly had the time to rest. with just 3 hours of sleep last night, i don't know if i can survive through the day..

it's gonna be a hectic week ahead and i'm still wondering if i can apply for leave this coming saturday. making a trip with wei's colleagues for a stay at the kelong. kinda excited, but wonder if my leave will be approved.

watched War of the Worlds last nite. a touching show i would say, but the ending sucks. i find it a little lame towards the end..

here's the pics that speak of my past weekend. there are more to come, but i hadnt had the time to compile it yet.

techmexians gathering at cafe cartel!


Guess what? i saw one of the "Jue Dui Superstar" finalist sitting right in front of me amidst my meal. It's the Haagen guy (not sure if i got the spelling right), but his chinese name is chen meng qi. wanted to take a photo and post it here, but was engaged in a conversation and he was gone when i fished out my camera. argh!

Luncheon with colleagues..


i left the place with exploding stomach and spent a lot of money on shopping thereafter.

loitered around town and waited for wei to come meet me. ended up in bugis for gift shopping for xx. and it's another round of buffet for celebration!

buffet dinner at marina south


and another round of number ball..




reached home at almost 6am. after 23hrs of being awake, i konked out the moment i plonked on the bed. and oh no.. oh no.. it's been a sinful day to my health and wallet.

long day..

unhappy things in the office but a sumptuous dinner balanced it off. as well as a $103 shopping receipt at topshop. oh my god.. what the hell was i thinking? got to live on bread for the rest of the month now.

looking forward to tomorrow. gonna have dinner at cafe cartel with the techmex gang. havent seen most of them in ages.. years behind us, i hope they still remember me, or recognise me. hee.

it's been a long day.. work, dinner, shopping, home at computer for last 5 hours, painting my finger and toe nails.. it's yet another day gone by.

tiring..

i wanted to blog last nite, but was too tired.
went out at 8.25am in the morning and came home at 12.30am. and the fact was i was literally "working" all the time.

there's more to come, but i hope i wont have to be in the office so early next time.

Ben & Jerry's ice cream!

it's a boring morning, so here's a result of a test i saw at michie's & yh's blog..

CHOCOLATE THERAPY! You scored 85% SWEET, 74% CHUNKY, and 85% UNIQUE!

chocolate ice cream with chocolate cookies & swirls of chocolate pudding ice cream You, my friend, ooze sweetness, just like this ice cream flavor. But there's much more to you than that...you tend to view things differently than other people and you like to engage yourself in creative, challenging activities. You're spunky, but not too wild, which is nice. Those who understand you tend to get along with you very well, appreciating all that you have to offer...and you offer a lot :)

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 92% on SWEET You scored higher than 77% on CHUNKY You scored higher than 99% on UNIQUE

Link: The Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Flavor Test written by weered1 on OkCupid Free Online Dating

restless..

what will you be feeling when someone who has been your neighbour (just above my head!) for the past 20 years turned into your distant relative abt 10 years ago when ur aunt decided to get married.. and suddenly you find in him in your office working on your faulty computer?

how would you feel when he rattles off your life account ever since you are a kid and all the things you have been and are doing now (even tho u havent talked in the last 15 years?), and is added onto your msn list?

how abt constant sms and meeting him at the stairways just when u leave for work?

the world is darn small, i say!

- - - - - -


i saw this yesterday at raffles place when i was going round the outlets. there were many surveyors dressed in suits and jackets asking people to vote. i heard it on radio in the car but coz i was working and constantly moving around the different outlets, i didnt manage to catch the entire story abt this. so, can someone tell me which service provider did this and what is it all about?



anthony dropped me off at seng kang mrt so that i can take an easy train ride to kovan for my jap class. there's still time and thought of chiew yen. gave her a call and guess what? she's a compass point! so, here's xuan xuan and a little comic i made for her..



it has been an interesting day i must say.. despite the fact that my nose was runny and i was tired.. sweet things did happen to me. my colleague bought me sweets to help clear my nose. and guess who i bumped (literally!) into at kovan mrt?

K E L V I N!

gosh. it's been an interesting yesterday isn't it? and OOps! jac, i brought the dvd but i forgot to return to yee tat!! next week okie.. hee..

today is pretty much mundane.. but guess where i had lunch?


i guess it's quite fun when u have a bmw to pick you up for lunch to a place with nice scenery and all. but that, is really the only interesting thing today.

very random..

met siew yin on the train back home the other day! kinda excited to see her and chat with her..

i got a 2cm big blister on my ankle knuckle and its darn painful. ouch!

jap class was very hectic last nite with only 3 students attending. (gosh! where did the rest go to?)

im starting to get busier recently at work.

im down with a nagging cold and i wish im back at home in bed!

im falling asleep on my desk.

- - - - - - -

i know i havent been updating my blog much. or rather updating it with more information abt me. it seemed to me, that i do not have anything to write on it anymore. Oops! actually, it's cos im more conscious on what i write here now. my life has been quite exposed recently.

time to work on my stuff. will update when i have the inspiration soon.

feeling happy..

the past weekend has been fun, but tiring too. led me to stay in bed for almost the whole of sunday. here's where i've been.





it's time for me to revise my jap seriously. been lagging in class. and its bed thereafter. nite.

getting sick..

an early alarm, a tired body
snoozed for a long time in bed.

getting late but met neighour,
hitched a ride to work.

invited stares and questions in their eyes.
a lappie at work and excited me.

download and install, download and install,
filled with joy and ease

a late lunch, a long lunch,
drove a huge van there.

excited, worried, nervousness all sets in,
thank god there isnt any bumps.

ended the work day sniffing, aching and tired.

tired and aching..

a 7.35am wake up call.
an early bus to work.
a day of anticipation.
a black screen and a corrupted hard disk.

lots of strolling, trying to find a place to settle.. something to do.
help in packing, body aching.

no news, a little disappointed.
back home to grab a bag of presents.

lots of rushing and waiting.
an unexpected surprise...OMG!!
a sense of bewilderment.
hours of trying to get over.

a shopping spree, a rushed dinner.
late for an hr thirty.
bought shoes, drank tea and a late train back.

tired, aching and time for bed.